I’m sitting eating scrumptious dinner with a glass of wine as another gorgeous Baja sunset collapses behind me and the near full moon is illuminated in the late evening night, hovering over the mesa.. I have the camp to myself, time to enjoy it before more guests arrive. Waves are thumping against the cliffs as pelicans fly back to the island for the night. Last night’s mini adventure out to the Geo camp is still fresh in my mind. The scene is perfect, or it should be, but it is not.
I feel empty, I’m alone but I’m also lonely. I have to admit this to myself. It is a strange state. I live an incredible lifestyle, a dream one by many accounts, broken away from the shackles of society, yet the more I live it, the more I am here, the lonelier it becomes.
One so often reads of people doing these pilgrimages, spending extended periods in solitude to find themselves. They always tell you that they found spirituality, learnt to love themselves and that they don’t need anyone to make them happy. That may all be true, maybe I’m just weak, but I call bullshit! The lack of human affection is wearing, it tears you apart and makes you yearn for the simplest touch. The brush of a hand becomes electric, an embrace an eternity and the touch of lips sends shivers into an untouched universe. Though worst of all it becomes incapacitating. I have so much to work on, photos process, blogs to write, sites to build but I can’t bring myself to focus on any of them, the emptiness is too much, too numbing to find that creative spirit.
So instead I am going to pour myself another glass of wine, roll a joint and try loose myself in a movie that I’d far rather be watching cuddled up next to someone, anyone.