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As the light of the fire replaced that of the sun, complimenting the stars and the moon, I sat listening to her story. Place and time were irrelevant, all that mattered was sharing what we were. And in that moment I found myself complete. The moment and the flames faded the knowledge that we’d be gone in the morning.

With my thoughts swirling and the familiar yet unplaceable emotion consuming me I started heading north, to Catavinia to see a man about a van. Overwhelmed by the thoughts, the indescribable emotion seemingly stronger than ever before. I stopped. I couldn’t do it, not again. Not this time. I needed to get it out, to write it down, to replace thoughts with words. And here at a cafe in Loreto I write those thoughts, those words which want to come out.

I’ve heard it countless times, “You are so lucky.”, “You are living the dream.”, “You have such an incredible life.” To those who have made these statements, you are correct, my life is bloody brilliant, though it comes with a tax. A tax that only a solo traveller knows.

No one gave me this life. Yes my parents provided me with a fantastic education, for which I am eternally grateful. An education that allowed me to choose this life. A life that started when I left South Africa over 12 years ago for a country I couldn’t even place on a map. I chose to leave the life I’d grown up in, leaving family, friends and everything I knew to explore the unknown. Since then I have found myself in may a place, sometimes settling for awhile, making lifelong friends and even falling in love. And then I leave.

 

Therein lies the tax. Each time I leave, a piece of me stays behind. And while each time I carry something of the place and the people with me, there comes a point where what you leave out weighs what you take with. When those whose lives you have been in settle back into their previous lives and you are looking at the unknown with no one to consult as to the next step. When you find yourself depleted of anything left to leave and in need of finding a place to recharge.

This life of no permanent commitment is what allows for my freedom. It allows for an exhilarating uncertainty. Though after almost a year on the road with little more than a compass heading, I am overwhelmed by the uncertainty, the choices, and find myself thinking that perhaps it is time to find a place to recharge. Though this in itself provides even more uncertainty as I have no idea as to where that place is. And having written these words I sit in the same position I was in when I started. Where to go, what to do next? The most basic of questions of where to park to night leading me to realize the only thing I am certain of is that it is not a place I seek to recharge with but a person. Someone to consult with, to consider in my decisions.

But for now the question still lies, what?
Do I head north to Catavinia and try inspect a van whilst conversing in broken Spanish about what issues it might have. One of which may or may not be a blown head gasket. Doing so would probably mean heading back to PSC to catch the upcoming south swell.
Do I stay in Loreto and making the decision to stay awhile and try find some focus, catching up on the last 6 months of blogs and redoing this site in order to try find some freelance photo work. Is there anyone out there reading this who needs some work done?
Do I head back to San Juanico and spend the summer there? Or find a different spot to surf and be awhile. Where?

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